A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.