*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?