me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.