[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
sugar glider wrangler
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]