10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The Birdles
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.