Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Customize Your Wedding.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️