I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
he’s doing your taxes
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*