If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.