Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING