can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.