You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…