I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
is it earth
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter