Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
just having fun
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.