Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You Might Also Like
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
so i’m at the stock market right
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?