still the best tweet of the year by far
You Might Also Like
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
moms in horror movies
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
just left a huge legacy in there
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Ooh I do like a good funnel