1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now