I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
*me flirting
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
A short story about romance.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.