6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
buys donuts instead
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Breaking news:
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….