me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.