Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
just pretend nothing happened
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there