PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
when nothing goes right… go left
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Yoga Matt
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.