Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo