Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
(Electricians.)
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.