9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
What the hell happened here.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick