You Might Also Like
greetings!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.