Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok