Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
so much to do
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?