Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This a good idea
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah