“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.