ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders