Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.