For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.