Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
i- i did not expect this
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
*has no idea what a book even is*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose