This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in