My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Probably my best painting.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.