[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
This checks out
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”