She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
set yourself free xox
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.