The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay