After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
You Might Also Like
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.