My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him