thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️