My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business