HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
This pepper has seen some shit
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.