I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
So true for me
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
This dude got his own movie?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi