God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
You Might Also Like
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?