I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either