Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?