karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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Room with a view.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
😆this is so true
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you