We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.