*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*